|Why yes, oldest daughter, some days |
I feel like this, too.
Monday, October 3, 2016
On Being Content
I'm an ambitious person. I typically have a special project I'm working on or our towards outside of my wifely (pastor's wife, at that), motherly, friendship and piano teaching duties. When my husband and I first became engaged, we agreed that I would stay at home to raise our children (when they came around) for a season, with the understanding that I would keep a part-time job. "Also, you need to know that I will always have side projects. Otherwise, I'll go crazy, " I said to him.
Presently, I find myself living the life we envisioned years ago. The life that I dreamed of, then. Our four-year old son attends school, and our two and a half year old and three month old girls stay home with me. Just last night, I was conversing with a dear friend over the phone, venting about the monotony of my day-to-day schedule. "You are an incredible mother," she shared, "incredible." "Thank you," I responded. Truthfully, she could have shared, "the sun comes up each day," and it would have had the same effect. "Is it enough?" I have often wondered.
This year has been marred by unexpected events and death. I feel like I am constantly running to catch up with basic, daily responsibilities, barely keeping things afloat. I go back and forth between wanting more and craving less. Rejection from writing contests and speaking events has become the norm. My current figurative state, sitting by a window and waiting for the next big thing. And feeling like I will internally combust if someone asks anything more of me, yelling, "What more do you want from me?! I have nothing left to give."
I am certain that had I been born male, my name would have been Jacob. In the Old Testament of the Bible, Jacob was the man that wrestled with the Lord. Literally. I am constantly wrestling with the Lord, trying to discern what He has for me next. In the midst of what has been a challenging year, He has shown Himself faithful and answered so many prayers. Still, I find myself asking Him why, how and when. Quiet, reflective moments are hard to come by. When I do have them, I feel Him whispering the same thing, "My child, this is what I have for you. This is what I've called you to—you're already doing it."
And so it is with us, right now. Me, frantically looking around at all these other things I could be doing, and the Lord, gently and constantly reminding me that I am doing what is best for now.
"I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-13