On Being Content

I'm an ambitious person.  I typically have a special project I'm working on or our towards outside of my wifely (pastor's wife, at that), motherly, friendship and piano teaching duties.  When my husband and I first became engaged, we agreed that I would stay at home to raise our children (when they came around) for a season, with the understanding that I would keep a part-time job.  "Also, you need to know that I will always have side projects.  Otherwise, I'll go crazy, " I said to him.

Why yes, oldest daughter, some days
I feel like this, too.

Presently, I find myself living the life we envisioned years ago.  The life that I dreamed of, then.  Our four-year old son attends school, and our two and a half year old and three month old girls stay home with me.  Just last night, I was conversing with a dear friend over the phone, venting about the monotony of my day-to-day schedule.  "You are an incredible mother," she shared, "incredible."  "Thank you," I responded.  Truthfully, she could have shared, "the sun comes up each day," and it would have had the same effect.  "Is it enough?" I have often wondered.

This year has been marred by unexpected events and death.  I feel like I am constantly running to catch up with basic, daily responsibilities, barely keeping things afloat.  I go back and forth between wanting more and craving less.  Rejection from writing contests and speaking events has become the norm.  My current figurative state, sitting by a window and waiting for the next big thing.  And feeling like I will internally combust if someone asks anything more of me, yelling, "What more do you want from me?!  I have nothing left to give."

I am certain that had I been born male, my name would have been Jacob.  In the Old Testament of the Bible, Jacob was the man that wrestled with the Lord.  Literally.  I am constantly wrestling with the Lord, trying to discern what He has for me next.  In the midst of what has been a challenging year, He has shown Himself faithful and answered so many prayers.  Still, I find myself asking Him why, how and when.  Quiet, reflective moments are hard to come by.  When I do have them, I feel Him whispering the same thing, "My child, this is what I have for you.  This is what I've called you to—you're already doing it."  

"But, God," I often interrupt, "what else?"  

And so it is with us, right now.  Me, frantically looking around at all these other things I could be doing, and the Lord, gently and constantly reminding me that I am doing what is best for now.

"I have learned to be content in any circumstance.  I have experienced times of need and times of abundance.  In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.  I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-13